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I am an American, Forty-something mother, married to an Egyptian, Fifty-ish man for more than a decade. I have muddled my way through the Islamic community in my Midwestern town now for as long as I’ve been married, and I am hoping to help other women, like me, navigate through a little easier.   This blog is about living an Islamic Life and Parenting Muslim Children, your own way.
16 Comments leave one →
  1. Issy permalink
    09/26/2014 11:53 AM

    Hi, I have a question. I have been dating a Muslim man for 8 years now. And I am still a secret to his family. He has introduced me to his 2 younger sisters and 1 brother. But his parents have no idea I exist. He sleeps over at my apt everyday. He even gave me an engagement ring. But when I talk about marriage and meeting his parents, he says he is not ready yet. I really feel he gave me a ring just so that I would stop bothering him about where this was going. I feel like I have wasted my 20s. Now I’m 30 and really want to settle and move forward in my life. I want to have a child. Do you think he will commit? Or do you think he’s just using me? He keeps saying that I don’t understand his culture. But it’s been 8 years now. Seriously it’s ridiculous now. I’m so ashamed of myself and when my mother asks me what’s going on, I just always want to die because I don’t have an answer for her.

    • 09/29/2014 9:25 AM

      Good Morning Issy,

      Your question really has nothing to do with religion as far as I can tell. What I can see from your question (and the information you have provided) is that this guy is playing you.

      You feel like you are wasting your time. It isn’t going anywhere. You want to move on with your life and stop being his secret. The Time Is Now. You deserve better. Make the choice for yourself. Be in the driver’s seat and be in control of your life. Stop waiting for him. End your relationship, take time to heal. Be good to yourself. It will be hard, but you can’t continue on in this abyss.

      If he tries to talk you back into the relationship (which he may) Be clear about your price of admission. If he wants the relationship, he must acknowledge your relationship with his family. Immediately. You require marriage. You require a child. You want … If he wavers, says no…then he is not the right guy for you. There is more to the story here than what he’s letting on. Be Strong.

      (You might want to consider listening to Dan Savage’s Podcasts on iTunes. He gives a lot of really great advise, even if you are a strait laced monogamist.)

  2. Kay permalink
    11/02/2015 6:08 PM

    Hi, i have a question. Well you see i’ve been dating this muslim guy from pakistan, but im not muslim. I have been learning more about the culture and all. Im affraid i of what my family will say if they know i may become muslim.

    I love him with all my heart and i would love to be called his wife. I’ve already meet his family and some of his friends. They are amazing people. Im still unsure if me becoming muslim is the right choice.

    Any advice that could be given would be greatly apreccated.

    • 11/02/2015 8:04 PM

      Hello Kay! I would love to respond to your question, but I’ll do it in a post (since you posted here publicly) so you can get more feedback from other readers.

  3. Juanita Hernandez permalink
    12/13/2015 6:21 AM

    Hello. Thank you for your kindness. I met an amazing man from Senegal. I have no idea how to describe this guy without it seeming cheesy. Seriously, we met a month ago. He says that he has never met anyone like me… I have 3 children. He is very very conscious and caring… its funny… Us women, we say we’re looking for the right guy… but then when he is sitting right in front of us… we all of a sudden dont know how to act. I am spiritual, raised Baptist. I have had a rough time with relationships.. (guy being married with wife in another country, or a man being abusive ) which has lead me to being single 6 years now. When I met him, I told him i was a “bad girl” and that I am not the one for him. He keeps pursuing. We have had many serious discussions. Yes this is moving semi quickly. But many refreshing conversations. He says he will not back down until I am absolutely rude to him and tell him to stop. I am not mucb of a rude perso by nature and being Libra, well I’d just assume not answering the phone vs being ugly towards him. When i left my second ex, I decided I was not going to hold myself back from who I was anymore. For no man. The problem is that I have been on my spiritual path for a few yrs now… I consider myself somewhat of a gypsy and I have told him this. He just smiles and tells me what he is “offering” me as far as he would like for me to be Christian or Muslim when we get married. He truly is the best ever and I am so flattered to have met him. I have been asking the universe for a tall sexy black man who is multi lingual… ( I am flexible within 11 languages) and in which, after 3 yrs of begging, i have been presented with Abdoulahi, and he is Muslim. Maybe I should have been more specific when asking for my dream guy? Maybe one I can actually be with? Somethings I have heard about Muslim religion, quite frankly is scary. And when I think about going back to being Christian I feel silly. I feel I have developed myself more now, than when I was an all man fearing Christian… I no longer live in fear and I no longer worry… and this was achieved without religion.

    I feel like I should end it but then I feel horribly sad and like I may make a mistake because he is the most genuine caring person i have ever met. And when we talk we speak in 5 languages at the same time like “Spanglish” but with more languages. I can learn so much from him and he even helps me with my arabic. He started learning arabic so he could read the Koran. I believe the Universe is God and that Jesus was sent to show us we are made of light, not to follow him exactly. Abdoulahi states he will not convert. He wants to be Muslim. I have had many serious conversations with him about this. He says we can handle it together. To just take it easy for now because I am constantly initiating conversation about how different I am than him. He says he admires my strength and that I am dedicated to being a mother. I feel confused and like I want to cry when I think about going back on my identity journey that I have been on since surviving domestic violence. He got frustrated with me because i would not let him see me… because i felt reluctant to get close to him. He begged me to lower my walls and let him in. I did. It feels grest. He says I impress him and he took time to learn my kids names and who they are and asks about them. He is the father / husband figure I need in my life. He says he wants to be with a Latina woman and I love speaking spanish with him in our multi lingual texts and convos. He is teaching me his native Wolof and I teach him Russian. A language he never thought he would learn, he said.. I guess I am just looking for someone to talk to about it. My friends are spiritual and may crack jokes about my maybe leaning to practice earthly religion… so I am looking for a more unbiased opinion.

    Greatly thankful for your openness.

    • 01/04/2016 8:42 AM

      Good morning Juanita,
      How are you today? I’ve read your letter many times and it sounds to me like things are being rushed. What’s the hurry?

      Take your time and enjoy your relationship.

      Write back and let us know how you are doing.

  4. 12/31/2015 7:02 AM

    I need help, I have been with my partner for almost 8 months. He is shia and I am christian, that doesnt bother either of us. In the world we live in now unfortunately someone has started haroum rumers that have got back to his parents in regards to us which arent true. Now his parents are saying they wont accept me and that things need to be ended. He says he doesnt want that but he feels he cant go against his parents which I completely respect. I just want to know if there is anything I can do to change things, to make things go back to being perfect between us. His whole family knows about us except for his parents, as he wanted to wait for the right time to tell them because with him telling them it means marriage. I will honestly do anything to fix the issues caused. Please please help

    • 01/04/2016 8:35 AM

      Good Morning Rachel, I hope that between the time you wrote and now, the relationships in your life have improved.

      • 01/04/2016 5:10 PM

        Unfortunately is hasnt. He is still trying but I feel helpless that I dont know what to do to be able to help fix things. I miss him. If anyone could give me some clues that could help me id be forever grateful

  5. Kim permalink
    01/26/2016 1:50 PM

    I am a christian women deeply in love with a Muslim man. The love of my life for over 2 years. We are very much in love with each other and could not see ourselves with out each other. However, He recently was arranged to be married back home to the mother of 3 children last year. Since he has been back in the states back home with me, It has been very hard for me dealing with this. I have tried to rationalize this in my head of acceptance being that his wife lives in another country and he is with me 100% of the time. So many questions I have in handling this situation being that I am a woman with values and would never be with a marrived man. I am stuck being thas we had established our relationship well before all this happened marrying.To let go is not easy it is a battle eveyday because We are so in love . I think everyday I am wrong to continue to be with him now that he is married while still being in love with him and him in love with me? WHAT DO I DO?

    • 01/27/2016 10:21 AM

      Dear Kim. I’m so sorry that you are going through this difficult time.

      To be honest, I don’t understand how the man you love and have been with for 2 years can marry someone overseas and then return to you as if nothing had changed.

      Because it did change.

      You have to decide what you can live with. I’m not a marriage or relationship counselor. I have no training in psychology. I’m just a woman who has been married to a Muslim man.

      If you can, remove yourself from the situation. Take some time alone to really think about this situation. Away from your love.

      What would you tell your daughter if this had happened to her?

      I don’t need to tell you what to do. I can’t. It is not my life, its yours.

      I hope and pray that you will be able to sort this out and come to terms with your decision. I also hope that you are loved and cherished the way you want and deserve.

      You can do this.

      • Kim permalink
        01/28/2016 1:52 PM

        It’s Funny you ask this Kristina. Knowing that this was going to happen. Even the day I dropped him off to the airport when he was going to fly back home to do the marriage. The minute after I left the airport dropping him off I said to myself that the relationship is over it will be different when he comes back to the states after marrying the mother of his 3 kids…how could I be with a married man. But we were still in a relationship while all of this happened he begged me back saying his heart is with me even though he has a wife now, saying e has never loved anyone like me. I mean he Skyped me everyday to keep our love going. I thought, “hoe could I continue this when he comes back but, we are in love Kristina . But it hurt so so so bad knowing we would be apart for month the length of time he was out of the state’s, I’m cold in my bed at nights while he is cozy in bed with his now wife and being with his family. My love for him is so big, but I know in my heart it ‘s all wrong even though he and I established this relationship before all of this happen or his sister pressuring him to marry which. I know in the muslim religion men have up to 4 wives they can marry. And honestly, I thought i would be the first but, he never presented me to his family here in the states His older sister who would be the one to approve the marriage. He was going to introduce me to his sister after a 7 months of dating but, one night my love and I being silly was in a park and we took a picture of us kissing which his sister ended up getting through her phone because of that stupid IPhone iCloud storing everything you do on your phone for back up. His iTunes account was logged in her phone after helping her with something on her phone one day. So basically the picture popped up on her cell phone and she was SUPER upset with him. Which killed the chances of him introducin me to her as now she does not like me and also the fact that I’m not Muslim. So now he is married to the mother of his 3 kids….knowing the and still excepting him when he came back I am still processin the whole thing which I can never really accept in my heart and to think I could convert and be his second wife. I do not like to share a man i love.This should have been the reason to definitely end things being that he is married now for any other human being. But I’m stuck in love with him and do not know how to let him go. Past few days my emotions have been so rocky. Crying every night. Knowing that he has another woman he is responsible of upkeep in their relationship and love and share kids. He has everything I want already marriage and kids a family. I so feel like the other woman.

  6. Jrsygrl permalink
    02/26/2016 4:26 PM

    Hi Kristina!
    I am a Christian woman going through a break up from my Egyptian – Muslim boyfriend of almost 2 years right now. I just couldn’t take being a complete secret from all of his family and friends. I don’t think it is fair and I just decided that I had to stand up for myself and take some time on my own. While this is SO difficult, I know it is necessary. He may come back to me, he may not, but I have taken a stand for myself and that does feel good, even among all the anguish I feel without him in my life.
    I am really commenting here because I stumbled upon your blog and I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate how kind you are to all of us. Every single woman that has posted here. You have been thoughtful and caring and I greatly appreciate it.
    My ex was very integrated into my family so they all know him and every one of them has responded with a resounding “finally” or “good for you” but this was not what I wanted. I wanted a little kindness and understanding. Not hate support b/c they never liked my Muslim boyfriend in the first place.
    I got what I needed from a stranger, on the internet no less.
    I even got a little bit of hope b/c you are an example of what everyone I know said was not possible. I wanted to stay Christian and raise my children Muslim. My father is Nazarene and my mom is Catholic (they are divorced) and they both thought I was dreaming, but you are doing it, with real struggle and real GRACE!
    Thank you again! I wish more people would show this kindness to one another.

    • 02/27/2016 10:47 AM

      Dear Jrsygrl,
      Thank you so much for taking time to send me this lovely letter.

      I’m so sorry the man you loved kept you a secret. Its so painful and damaging to be hidden like a shameful secret. I’m so proud of you for being strong and standing up for yourself! You deserve better.

      You Deserve Better!

      After you have taken the time to process your grief and the end of your relationship, you will come out the other side just that much stronger. You will also know that how he treated you is not acceptable.

      If you should decide to accept a date from another Muslim man, you know that the weird culture stuff isn’t religion…its cultural baggage. If it doesn’t make sense, it isn’t right. Follow your gut and ask a lot of questions. Demand answers.

      Don’t ever accept less.


  7. Kelly permalink
    09/18/2016 9:17 PM

    I have recently had a talk with my boyfriend who is Pakistani Muslim and his parents and family is from Lahore about marriage and he kind of told his parents. His parents flipped out on him and starting saying they will not accept me even if I convert,they will not acknowledge a “mixed-breed” grandchild. We have been together for almost a year and we really love each other. I am Chinese and I have a fear of not being able to be a devoted muslim when we first had the talk, but now he is giving up on our relationship to marry a woman of the same culture and religion and ethnicity. I tried convincing him but the issue is his parents will not accept me, how can I make things change? I know I am being naive but I love this man so much I only see him as my life partner. The only thing is he is the only son and he can’t give up his parents and it is very wrong of me to ask him to do that, but I can’t lose him. I am willing to convert, move to Pakistan from the US and still he will not stick up for us. He said his parents will still make him marry a Muslim woman since 4 marriages are allowed. Can anyone share some advice on what I can say or do to make his parents accept me and our relationship?

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